Top Chef, Episode 5.8 - The Twelve Days of Christmas Summary

The episode starts with Stefan pondering which judge left his / her shoe up his butt from the last challenge. Now why didn't that make the final edit? Hosea calls home to inquire about his ailing father which usually signals that he will be packing his knives before the hour is up.

Martha, Martha, Martha!!!
Padma meets the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen decked with boughs of holly and other Hanukah / Christmas / Kwanzaa whatnot. She introduces Quickfire guest judge, lifestyle and culinary icon, Martha Stewart. Shock and awe ensues with cuts to talking heads making worshipful comments about La Martha. The QF challenge is to make a one pot dish in 45 minutes. Several cheftestants use a single pot to make multiple components, which kinda defeats the purpose in my book. The top three are Ariane, Hosea and of course, Jamie. The winner is not Jamie (Ariane). The bottom three are Jeff (too starchy), Eugene (too [corn]starchy) and Fabio whose grandmother would be ashamed of Martha for placing her formerly evil grandson in the bottom for serving gray polenta.

Cheftestant	Quick Fire Dish
Stefan	Veal Goulash with Potato, Mushroom
Jeff	Potato Risotto with Crispy Pork, Brussel Sprouts
Hosea	Paella with Fish, Chicken, Shrimp
Fabio	Roasted Mushroom Polenta
Melissa	Pork Tenderloin with Braised Cabbage, Orange, Bacon, Fennel
Jamie	Jamie: Potato and Kale Stew with Scallops
Ariane	Cauliflower Puree and Herb Rubbed Filet
Eugene	Spicy Korean Stew with Pork, Mushrooms, Cilantro Sour Cream
Leah
Carla	Brined Turkey Breast with Apple and Dried Cherry
Radikah	Meatballs with Mashed Potato

The Eleven Days of Christmas
The elimination challenge is to create a dish inspired by one of the twelve days of Christmas (minus one) as determined by a knife draw. I guess when you celebrate Christmas in August, you lose a day. The food will be served at a benefit for AmFar, the American Foundation for AIDS Research. Two hundred and fifty guests and the chefs are given three hours to prep and an hour on location. One word to describe this challenge is absurd! Mercifully, Padma calls in help in the form of local sous chefs, culinary students, former cheftestants, the National Guard... the Harlem Gospel Choir!?!?!?. This seemed rather incongruous to me, to put it mildly, and I searched in vain for a Swanson, Uncle Ben's, Butterball, Toyota, or Glad logo woven into the kente cloth.

During the commercial break we are treated to the chefs most chefs reciting their lines from their assigned Christmas day. Guys would it have killed you to sing the line, thumbs up to chanteuses Ariane and Radhika.

We are the World in the Top Chef Kitchen

It pretty much goes downhill from there. After a trip to Whole Foods, which doesn't carry frog legs in case you were wondering, the chefs commence work in the Top Chef kitchen. The chefs have three hours to prep and Stefan notes that it takes a considerable amount of time just to unpack and unwrap the various foodstuffs. Jeff notices that quite a few of the chefs are making relatively simple and interesting dishes. At the end of prep time the cheftestants pack the GE Something Something refrigerators and go home.

The next day the chefs arrive back and according to the narration they discover that one of the refrigerators were left open and the contents are spoiled. The chefs most affected were Hosea, Melissa and Radikah, and in the true spirit of Christmas, the other cheftestants rally to help their fellowmen, fellowwomen, fellowpeople prepare new dish. Interestingly, there happened to be this great big unfrozen slab of pork lying around, hmmm a Christmas miracle perhaps?

Glor-OR-or-OR-or-ORRR-or-OR-or-OR-orrr-OR-or-OR-or-ORRR-iiia,
in excelsis Deo!

Service – Primary Colors
The chefs pack up and go to The Prince George Ballroom. Question, don't any of these venues have fully functioning kitchens? Is there any reason that the food can't be prepared on-site other than to do product placement for the companies who furnish the Top Chef kitchen? Has it occurred to anyone that the quality of the food is affected by all of the stops and starts that define the very nature of catering? [/rant over]

Service starts and the judges enter to suspenseful music. The reception is hosted by Tony Award winning actress, AIDS activists, author, renown cook and hostess, granddaughter of Sir Michael Redgrave , daughter of Tony Richardson and Vanessa Redgrave, niece of Lynn Redgrave, sister of Joely Richardson and last but not least, wife of Liam Neeson, drum roll please Natasha Richardson, who is also serving as a judge. Setting aside her accomplishments and pedigree, Miss Richardson looked hawt in her red dress; she was babelicious, boobilicious and bootylicious! Rumor has it that Stefan offered to drink her bath water. The other guest judge is Miami based and James Beard Award winner Michelle Bernstein. Anybody wanna guess what color Tom is wearing. Other luminaries at the reception were shoe impresario Kenneth Cole, AmFar Founder Dr. Matilda Krim, model Maggie Rizer, Cheyenne Jackson, who I never heard of, and the guest who liked Stefan's chicken pot pie (and who doesn't) looked familiar, I think she did a guest stint on one of the Law and Orders, which doesn't really narrow things down any, perhaps I will pay a visit to ImdB.

Who Served What

Theme	Cheftestant	Elimination Challenge Dish
12 Drummers Drumming	Stefan	Creamy Chicken Pot Pie with English Peas, White Asparagus
11 Lords a Leaping	Jeff	Roasted Haloumy and Kassier Cheeses with Roasted Beets, Pears and Mint, and Hazelnut Donka Spice
10 Pipers Piping	Hosea	Smoked Pork Loin with Chipotle Mashed Potatoes, Braised Cabbage and Apple Jus
9 Ladies Dancing	Fabio	Corn and Roasted Pepper Crab Cake with Chipotle Lime
8 Maids a Milking	Melissa	Gorgonzola and NY Strip on Crostini, Cranberry Vinaigrette
7 Swans a Swimming	Jamie	Sea Scallop and Vichyssoise
6 Geese a Layin'	Ariane	Deviled Eggs 6 Ways
5 Golden Rings	Eugene	Poisson Cru With Pineapple Rings and Gold Yukon Potato Chips
4 Calling Birds	Chef Nobody	Skip this Day of Christmas if the average temperature for the month is above 75 degrees.
Three French Hems	Leah	Braised Guinea Hen with Butternut Squash Puree Over Puff Pastry
Two Turtle Doves	Carla	Braised Chicken With Mushrooms
A Partridge in a Pear Tree	Radikah	Braised Duck Leg on Toasted Brioche with Pear Chutney, Toasted Pistachios

Each chef had to come up with a story that explained how their dish tied into the theme. Carla deconstructs the turtle dove into a turtle and dove (poultry). Stefan achieves drummers drumming through how his dish presentation. Eugene tells a sweet tale that tied in the golden rings to a story told to him by grandmother. Jeff selects two cheeses that nobody has ever heard of (yeah that's right I speak for the entire viewing audience) to show leaping through the Greek Islands. Fabio tells this absurd story about dancing crabs, which I later find out is true. In the previous challenge, I learned that yellow and green combine to make blue in the light spectrum, which as someone schooled by the Zip-Loc Bag folks that yellow and blue make green, I dismissed the comment as a bunch of hooey that the Glad Family of Products must have had a hand in. So if Fabio, who doesn't seem to be in contention for a Rhodes Scholarship, knows these things, you gotta give it up to the Italian educational system. Although I do thing the Chef Boyardee act is more schtick than anything. Hosea has the most tenuous tie-in where he links 10 Pipers Piping to pipe smoking to explain his smoked pork offering, I betcha the diners and the judges aren't going buy such drivel.

Ginger Jeff and Maryanne Hosea engage in a fierce fight to see who can score with the most babes (gender non-specific) score the most red ribbons. Gilligan Leah threatens physical violence against a woman who got too chummy with Maryanne Hosea.

The guest and chefs seemed to be play along with the Christmas in July theme. I don't have a problem with Top Chef doing off season theme challenges. My only suggestion is that if they do this is to put together a table of ingredients that are available, or used more. during that season, for example fresh cranberries, turkey and goose (emphasis on fresh), similar to what is done in the finale episode. And since missing a product placement opportunity is verboten, they can still trot over to Whole Foods for additional foodstuff.

Judges Table with Special Guest Star Michelle Burn-stein
While still at the Prince George Ballroom the judges share that there were disappointments, Tom acknowledges that usually there are usually more cooks doing involved by a factor of 3. I think overall the results would have had much better if the chefs were giving more time, and did not change venues, although changing venues has become part of the Top Caterer Chef routine.

Back at Top Chef headquarters, Padma summons Hosea, Jeff, Radhika and Stefan. Hosea wins the challenge after springing back from tragedy [/Padma] and all he got was a lousy cookbook, and on top of that all of the cheftestants got the lousy cookbook for helping out during the tragedy. OK, I really hope that another prize was planned and not awarded, I mean no disrespect to Michelle Bernstein, but come on!

Speaking of La Bernstein, if anyone thought she was on fire at the reception, girlfriend took no prisoners when she was faced off with the offending chefs, namely Eugene, Jamie and Melissa. Given the botched nature of the challenge, it is tempting to discount her criticisms, but I think the shortcomings she highlighted would have likely occurred under better circumstances. Bernstein commented that Jeff's dish would have been better with no cheese (or only one cheese), but recognized that the two cheeses were there to meet the terms of the challenge. After dismissing the Bottom 3, the judges continue their confab, with the discussion dominated by guest judges. Not to be outdone, Tom chimes in about the poor performance and is perplexed about why his progeny are choking. I have noticed that when an alpha chef /culinarian like Bernstein visits, which is pretty often on Top Chef, Papa Bear Tom expects his Top Chef wannabes to perform like... well, top chefs. I don't have a problem with this per se, but hopefully he is discussing the issue with the behind the scene folks, who also play a hand in some of the mishaps. I, for one, don't have a problem with theme based challenges and certain twists, but sometimes the chefs have to jump through way too many hoops.

Tom decides to use the most poorly conceived challenge that experienced an equipment malfunction which resulted in the most noble act ever seen on Top Chef and perhaps in all of competitive reality TV-dom to take the cheftestants to task over their mediocrity. On the other hand, it was probably for the best that he concluded the challenge with the smackdown as a means of taking a big bath on this one and starting anew. I am also convinced that there was no way that he was going to pass up the opportunity to give immune Ariane a piece of his mind over serving deviled eggs, a staple of church picnic and therefore not refined enough for a New York City soirée, and yet somehow chicken pot pie, which Stefan made the same way, save for his presentation gimmick, that it has been made for the past 3000 years, Hung (or his monkey) telepathically informed me of this, placed in the top group. I completely agree with the sentiment that Tom expressed, play to win and cook the food that won the chef a place on the show, however Top Chef has not walked the talk and continuously recognized and rewarded chefs for playing it safe, and ironically, to put it mildly, on the same show where he upbraids the chefs doing just that. So in the spirit of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and unselfishness, no one gets eliminated.

Glor- OR-or-OR-or-ORRRR-or-OR-or-OR-orrrr-OR-or-OR-or-ORRRR-iiia, in excelsis Deo!

Epilogue
Lee Anne Wong stated in in her blog that the food spoilage tragedy was due to the refrigerator that stored the dishes-in-progress broke down (most likely due to having to cool down the many hot items that were piled into the non-industrial appliance). So this explains how a fresh, unbutchered pork loin that will feed approximately 300 people happened to be readily available. Also, the no elimination decision was cooked up (rightly so) at this point.

A Hero is More than a Sandwich?
At this time, I will recognize the brave men and women who made Top Chef 5.6 worth broadcasting 250 times over the next few weeks.

• The Cheftestants for helping out their fellow competitors in their time of need and looking beyond the competition to make sure that the guest who attended the AmFar benefit, got their Eleven Twelve Days of Christmas experience. They would have achieved superhero status if they pitched in to make sure that the fourth day of Christmas was covered.

• Lee Anne for setting the record straight in her blog about the food spoilage.

• Natasha Richardson for working those red dresses.

• Radikah and Hosea for freely admitting that they received help with their successful dishes.

• Tom for his deadpan smackdown of Leah in the stew room.

• Ariane and Radhika for actually singing their lines on the twelve days of Christmas.

• Fabio's revelation that at six years old, he was an evil.